Samaritan’s Men Counselors Reflect on the Question
It may happen in their 30s, 40s, 50s or later. Men who have dealt with everything life has handed them – those whom Michael Rogers, a therapist and formerly the clinical director at Samaritan Center of Puget Sound, describes as “testosterone-driven fixers”– find that their defenses are wearing thin. The pressures come at them from all sides. Frustration, depression and anxiety threaten to overwhelm them and their relationships. “At the point when they can’t outrun their fear,” Michael said, “it’s usually through someone close to them who sees or feels their distress – a doctor, wife, employer, or friend – that they come to counseling.”
“In fact,” said Rob Erickson, one of the 12 men who provide counseling at Samaritan, “it’s often the women in their lives who ask them (either lovingly or with some level of hostility) to come to counseling.”
Gary Steeves, Samaritan’s coordinator in South King County, noted that he eventually had to admit that he couldn’t fix himself in the aftermath of an auto accident several years ago. Physical therapy and “dealing with it myself” was only helpful up to a point, he said. “It was as if I was carrying that traumatic experience around in my body. I was like a block of concrete.” When he finally went to a movement therapist, he said it was transformative. “First of all, the roles were reversed. Someone was working with me—not ‘fixing’ me but, rather, helping me manage those forces within me. I think it is incredibly powerful when we face our limitations and our vulnerability. We can stop carrying the mantle of having to do everything by ourselves.”
Mar Houglum, a pastoral counselor as well as marriage and family therapist, said that he thinks it is “a huge step for men to seek help. They resist the notion that talking with someone who listens in a safe, affirming, empathic way could be helpful. I find that when they take that risk, they find a sense of greater ease with themselves—a generosity with themselves.”
Michael Rogers notes that there are a number of men’s groups in the area. “I’ve been part of a small men’s group for years,” Michael said, “and I have to tell you that we aren’t nearly as good at self-disclosure as women are. It takes us a long time to get to an authentic level of sharing.”
“Coming into therapy seems to give men ‘a Walden Pond’,” said Bill Collins, who has been with Samaritan as a therapist and supervisor for many years. “It provides a reflective space where they can take stock of themselves and consider healing possibilities. In The Way of Man, Martin Buber notes that Yahweh asks Adam in the garden, ‘Where are you, Adam?’ not because Yahweh does not know the answer, but because Adam doesn’t know the answer.”