Q: I am 3 months postpartum and am shocked by how angry I am all the time. I expected I might feel sad or even depressed after giving birth, but not angry. I blow up and yell at my husband all the time, and I’m worried about my baby being around all this anger. I’m not an angry person, and I don’t know why I feel this way. What is wrong with me?
A: Postpartum rage is not an uncommon experience (see books How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids and All the Rage: Mothers, Fathers & the Myth of Equal Partnership). While anger in our society is often seen as a dangerous and destructive emotion that should never be expressed (especially for women!), anger often is an indicator of unmet needs, limits that are being pushed past, or boundaries that are being violated. Anger is a signal that there is some threat to you in the environment.
The postpartum period is, understandably, a prime time for a mother’s needs to go unmet, and often by necessity. Of course, you often need to prioritize your baby’s needs over your own. And you absolutely have to place your needs high enough up on the priority list that you are able be there for your family in a whole and healthy way. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
With postpartum rage, it is always important to zoom out and look at the big picture to see what changes can be made to better ensure that your basic needs are being met. It is essential that you are eating regular meals, getting adequate sleep, and having some (even small) amount of time to yourself without the responsibility of caring for baby every day.
For most people, getting at least one stretch of 4 consecutive hours of sleep as well as additional hours of broken sleep can make an incredible difference in their mental health and ability to function. Sometimes this means going to sleep early in the evening (if that’s when your baby sleeps the longest) or pumping earlier in the day/supplementing with formula so that your partner can feed the baby without waking you up if breastfeeding is significantly impacting your sleep.
What supports do you have in your life? Is your partner participating in the care of your baby and the home the way you need? Do you have others in your life you could enlist for support? It is absolutely imperative (and not selfish) to make sure your needs are being met during this intense first year of your baby’s life.
If you are ever concerned that you are about to take your anger out on your baby, always put your baby in a safe place (e.g. crib or bassinet) and leave the room. It is ok for your baby to cry while you take the space you need. Call a supportive person in your life if you are concerned that you can’t go back to care for your baby after taking that space.
If you feel like you need extra support figuring out how to make changes to get your needs met or don’t know whom to turn to, please reach out for either individual or couples counseling. We would gladly come alongside you to figure out how to get your needs met so that the anger is no longer needed.
-Grace Carpenter, MS, LMHC
Grace Carpenter is a therapist at Samaritan Center who focuses on perinatal, postpartum, and infertility concerns.
Welcome to the Therapist’s Corner, a place where people can ask questions about struggles, relationships, or the rest of life, and therapists at Samaritan Center can give their quick and thoughtful answers. We hope you enjoy these responses and find them helpful. If you have a question that could benefit from the thoughts or advice of a trained mental health professional, send it our way at contact@samaritanps.org to have it answered.