Now more than ever, most of us are spending long stretches of our days at home with loved ones. This brings with it a new possibility for intimacy, and therefore a new possibility to cultivate listening skills.
In the classic movie, “Two for the Road,” Albert Finney and Audrey Hepburn are creeping up the stairs to their room. Looking down into the hotel’s dining room, they see a man and a woman sitting in stony silence.
“What kind of people just sit like that without a word to say to each other?” Finney asks.
“Married people?” replies Hepburn, with wide eyes and a small, ironic smile.
Much of my work at Samaritan, and earlier in a retirement community in Arizona, has been with couples. Many of them have been married for 20, 30 or more years. Frequently they tell me that what brings them to therapy is their trouble with communication.
Over the years, couples can become experts at pushing each other’s hot buttons and short-circuiting their lines of communication. In the early stages of a relationship, they would talk for hours, yet they find themselves becoming more distant and, in a way, losing their good manners with each other.
While what they’re facing isn’t new, it has somehow found a way to break through the surface of their everyday life, and one or both of them feel compelled to deal with it. Coming to therapy is an admission that they need to make some serious changes if they are going to stay married. It’s time to develop more generous ways of talking and listening to each other.
Listening? What an idea! Most of us grew up thinking that communication is all about talking, making our point, getting our way. When couples are able to shift their attention to listening to each other, they can increase their ability to truly understand each other. They can stop having the same old arguments over and over. They can bring respect and warmth into their relationship.
Maintaining healthy communication isn’t rocket science, but it does require effort. Here are some tips:
- Be aware of the message your face, your tone of voice and your body are sending.
- Don’t mind read. Don’t assume. Try not to finish each other’s sentences.
- Be curious about each other. Bring new ideas to the conversational table.
- Accept that you can have different opinions and still be friends.
- Avoid the “trigger” words that you know are likely to set each other off.
- Be direct. Ask (nicely) for what you want. Don’t expect the other person to know.
- When you argue, be fair. Stay on the subject. Don’t be insulting or sarcastic.
- Most important, be willing to see try on a new perspective. How can you see your relationship with new eyes?
Many of our counselors work with couples and families as well as individuals. Reach out to a therapist today to discuss how we might support you and your partner.