Couples who are coming into counseling to deal with anger in their relationship often wonder: Is this really going to help? Will the therapist be able to help my partner see things differently? Will this be worth the time and effort?
To me, it seems to be a question of hope. Is there hope? Yes, there is. Hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:5) but the answers to our questions might be disappointing. We can’t change our loved ones and they can’t change us. The hope lies in learning that we can help each other change by changing ourselves.
For example, asking ourselves questions like this: What was I doing right before the temper flare? Was I pushing buttons? Was I criticizing or yelling? Was I stonewalling? Realizing that tempers are not lost in a “vacuum,” we look for the extenuating circumstances.
When we start to look at the big picture and at our part in the big picture, we begin to understand what we can do to help our loved one solve what we’ve been thinking of as “their” problem. It begins to become an “our” problem.
Taking this position of helping each other change is one sure way to make therapy worth the time and effort. If we can recognize the triggers that lead to our partner’s losing their temper, we can learn ways of coping that will be more effective. An equally important piece of the puzzle is learning their buttons, choosing not to push them, and letting the other person walk away when they need to. When we learn more effective ways of communicating, we’ll be more successful when we sit down and try to solve a problem.
If we think that we’re just an innocent bystander and the conflict is all about our partner, we might want to spend some time asking God to show us our blind spots. Or we could even ask our partner what they think we contribute to their temper flare ups. When we are able to control our anxiety and consider another person’s point of view, we can learn something important about our relationship journey. Controlling our anxiety and agreeing to hear constructive criticism isn’t easy but it can be done, especially when our partner is willing to offer their thoughts in a kind and gentle way.
John Gottman, in his work at the University of Washington, says that if you can allow your partner to influence you and if your partner can gently share their opinions, you’re well on your way to a healthy relationship. And a healthy relationship can tackle many mountains, including the anger mountain–when you’re doing it together.