In February, we spoke with Jim Furrow, who has worked closely with our clinical staff over the last five years as a trainer and consultant. Jim is an internationally recognized leader and contributor to the practice of Emotionally Focused Therapy with couples and families. Together with EFT originator Susan Johnson, he coauthored seminal works on EFT as it is practiced for couples and families. Jim maintains an active research program examining the process and effectiveness of the model.

Interviewer: What was it that drew you to psychotherapy and particularly to therapy with couples and families?

Furrow: I’ve always been a bit of a curious person. I grew up in a family of scientists—a biologist and chemist who were often pursuing a deeper understanding of the nature of things?

Relationship stood out to me in this regard in particular how important relationships are in shaping people’s lives. I found people intriguing. While relationships are significant in shaping our experience of the world, they are also complicated—whether that’s a parent-child relationship or a romantic relationship. People in relationships are often seeking something more and often finding it challenging to get what they most need.

All these factors sort of pushed me in the direction of seeing what I could do to be helpful for others in the relationships that mattered in life.

Interviewer: We appreciate that you’ve engaged your work in a variety of ways: teaching, consulting, clinical practice, research, publishing books and papers. I wonder if you see a certain thread that ties together all those ways of working?

Furrow: Yes, I love the question because the work I do is truly multifaceted. There is a core however and for me that is discovery, whether I am thinking about my teaching, writing, research, or practice I am curious how to foster discovery learning It’s one thing to tell somebody some helpful information. It’s a whole different experience when you can help them find it for themselves.

When they see something new about their relationship, or something new about their partner or about themselves—it’s like a light bulb moment. Whether it’s with a student or a client or another professional, what I find most energizing and what I’m passionate about is this idea that through experience we find new understanding. We see ourselves more clearly, we see the world more vividly, we see those we love more endearingly.

It requires some amount of what I know, but also being invited into what I don’t know, and finding discovery there. This is where the curiosity comes in—I’m always learning. It’s a huge privilege, whether it’s a student in a classroom or a couple in my office, or even a research subject: Somebody shares from their experience, and I see the world in a new way. Those moments are a gift and opportunity.

Interviewer: What has made EFT so central to your work and to your career?

Furrow: What’s been interesting to me, especially in my 30 plus years in the field, is to see emotion move from the background to the foreground. And the more that we learn about the neuroscience , the more we understand that emotion provides an important integrating element between cognition and behavior.

As a model, EFT sees emotion as a resource for change and also as a target to focus on. It gives me a map for the work that I’m doing, but also a means for change– which is a powerful combination. It’s enabled me to be effective in moving toward both transformation and reconciliation in relationships: transformation—how people grow, how they become; and reconciliation—how people are brought together, which is about belonging.

Interviewer: At Samaritan Center, we have a commitment to spirituality as a dimension of therapy. And in working with you, we’ve found that to be a shared commitment. Could you say a bit about how that also informs your work?

Furrow: Absolutely. One way to think about spiritual integration is to talk about soul care, the care for people’s sense of meaning and purpose in the world. For a lot of folks, that has a spiritual or religious expression.

The questions that come up routinely in therapy, whether they relate to parenting or to marriage and couple relationships, are at their heart questions about purpose, about direction. What are we doing here and why are we doing it and what’s the value here? Is it just satisfaction? Is that all I’m looking for, or is there some deeper meaning? I think it’s essential that we have a way to talk about these existential questions in the client’s language and from their perspective—honoring the importance of communities, religious communities, for example.

And for me, there is something more, something that comes from my core, from my own Christian understanding. And that is that there is a promise. It’s not just purpose, it’s not just a direction, but there’s a promise that gives hope.

Of course, one thing I’m quick to say in a conversation around faith is that it can be a resource, but it can also be a risk. There are ways that it’s been hurtful in people’s lives, ways that it’s been constraining. And yet where it brings freedom and hope, I do believe that it can lead to transformation and reconciliation.

Interviewer: Finally, Jim, on this subject of hope, I wonder if you would share a bit more about what gives you hope, professionally and personally?

Furrow: Well, I think it’s twofold. One way is very much from the ground up: The people that I work with give me hope because I see the efforts that they bring to seek something better in their lives, to seek understanding, to seek compassion, to seek caring, to seek repairing, to seek growing. I see courage every day and the work that I do. The risk to be vulnerable in a relationship with another person in marriage, in family life, in friendship. You see and find courage, and you see the human spirit.

And I think you often see the presence of Christ in the midst of these moments, which is a second source of promise and hope that is vitally important, at least for me. It’s not a generic hope, like “hopefully” this is going to get better; there is a confidence that comes in knowing that we’re in this together and ultimately held in the love and mercy of God.

The critical question is, are we alone in our suffering, or can we find others who can walk that journey with us with a sense of hope and promise? That’s where I would like to show up—to provide a sense of presence, holding on to a hope that for me is based in God’s promise.

Remarkably Bright Creatures, by Shelby Van Pelt, surprised me with its charming characterizations, implausible interspecies relationships and healing connections.

Tova Sullivan, the main character, lost her son, Eric, years ago when he was just 18, and she was recently widowed at the age of 70. Facing an unknown future, she copes with her loneliness by staying busy at her night job cleaning the local aquarium, purposefully performing her daily duties “in the right way.” Unwelcome interruptions to her regular routines create unexpected opportunities for change. But can she open to the possibilities they might offer?

Van Pelt sensitively attends to the experience of each of four characters as they seek to understand and find some resolution to their grief. Tova’s quietly painful reflections about her lost son. Cameron, a misfit soul who comes to this small seaside town searching for the father who abandoned him 30 years ago. Ethan, the local music-loving grocer burned in his youth by love lost. Marcellus, the 60-pound octopus who muses on his “end of days,” adding a humorous, magical realism to the mix.

The story centers on a mystery, but it was the relationships between the four characters that captured my heart. Watching as each of them seeks answers to the questions that will shape their next steps forward. Will Tova stay in the house she loves or move to a retirement home? Will Cameron find a way to take on the personal responsibility of adulthood? Will Ethan create more meaningful connections than those of local gossip? Will Marcellus remain a captive in the aquarium?

The relationships that develop between the four of them support the possibility of the opening of new doors and of resolving their losses. As a therapist, this beautifully told story speaks to me about the important aspects of human development that are present in each of life’s stages. For example, the challenges that aging presents, the unending process of grief, and the healing power of relationships- even those that are unexpected and imperfect. It reminds us that anyone – the young folks and the elderly – can learn new ways of making meaning in life, creating and engaging in their preferred pathways.

There is renewed hope every new year as the struggles of the previous year give way to a fresh start. As January 1st strikes, people all over the world join on a journey of change as they make their resolutions for 2024. It is the day gyms are most crowded and the most promises are made. Well, we’re now into February. How are we doing, folks?

Did you know that the second Friday of January is referred to as Quitters’ Day, and that Ditch New Year’s Resolution Day falls on January 17th. We know that the vast majority of people will not keep their resolutions: in fact, a study from Sundried.com found that 43% of people begin the year already anticipating that they will give up by the end of the month. Many people decide to give up altogether, resigned that things cannot and will never change.

In many ways, the phenomenon of New Year’s resolutions reflects the larger process of change we experience as humans. Even though we have a desire to grow, change is hard. It’s hard to begin, and it’s hard to sustain. Sometimes, the pressure and overwhelm associated with stepping out of a comfort zone keeps a person from even thinking about it. But the New Year is upon us.. well, the lunar one that is. Perhaps it’s as good of a reason as any to make some new resolutions. Are you willing try again? If so, here are some tips that may help:

1. Keep it simple. It can be tempting to try to change everything all at once or to engage goals with full abandon, but that often leads to taking actions without the underlying structures to sustain them. It’s like a runner who starts off the block too quickly and begins to fade because they do not have the energy left to finish strong. Instead, focus on smaller increments of change that will challenge you to grow but are still manageable. Gradual steps can build towards greater growth. Bruce Lee once said, “I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times.” Building depth and not breadth by simplifying goals is a good way to build long-term and sustainable change.

2. Find your meaning. According to Angela Duckworth, a leading expert on grit, one important ingredient for follow-through and perseverance is to identify and focus on your passions. The more an individual action is attached to a larger meaning and desire, the greater the motivation to complete that action. We see this play out all the time. Students grind to achieve a grade at the end of the year. Athletes run wind sprints because every rep gets them closer to the championship. What might be your larger reason to work out, stop drinking, or try something new? Focusing on that can provide continued direction when you run into the dog days of summer.

3. Don’t do it alone. Reaching out to another person can be an incredibly important resource when it comes to follow through. Someone who gives consistent encouragement and accountability can provide a secondary, external source of motivation when internal willpower falters. Furthermore, working with another person offers an opportunity for feedback and reflection that is vital to learning and growth. Not only are there external benefits to reaching out, research has also found sharing goals with another person–particularly someone we hold in high esteem–can actually increase internal motivation as well.

4. Try again… again. Unfortunately, we will all face failure. Research from the University of Scranton found that a whopping 92% of people do not keep their New Year’s resolutions. Just as telling, however, is a study by Norcross and Vangarelli which found that those who successfully kept their resolutions still averaged 14 setbacks over a two-year period. A big part of success is learning what to do with failure. Failure is often thought of as the end of the story and is connected with feelings of incompetence, embarrassment, or rejection. One effective way of overcoming that mindset about failure is to see it as part of the growth process rather than the end result. As Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed 10,000 times, I’ve successfully found 10,000 ways that will not work.”

Regardless of where you are with your resolutions, whether you are still going strong, have crashed and burned, or never started to begin with, we hope that this message can be a little bit of encouragement to continue, restart, or begin your journey of change. There is always the next opportunity to try again. There is always a new chance to grow. As the scriptures say, “His mercies are new every morning.” Have at it once more!

This writing was originally posted in an email sent to our mailing list on February 9th, 2024. Please enter your email at the bottom of the page if you would like to sign up to be part of our mailing list.