We live in a time of 7 Habits, 3 steps to Health and Security, 8 Dates, the newest John/Julie Gottmann work; often a way of looking at a prescription or quick template of how to move from one place to another. In the mid 90s I was lucky enough to learn of the work of Stephen Covey, “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.” At that time, as a trainer with folks in the criminal justice system, I used the material to assist trainees and executive staff to organize challenges into realizable steps of action to move forward. Later on down the line, many practitioners and systems of learning echoed some of this wisdom. (See Daniel Goleman’s work, where they use the system of RULER: Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, Regulating.) In fact, I would say that one of the stand-out benefits of the 7 Habits model is that it is full of wisdom that is timeless, helpful in many different settings.
A summary of the 7 Habits follows. Habit One: Be Proactive; Habit Two: Begin With the End in Mind; Habit Three: Put First Things First. (These first 3 Habits capture a system of Self-Management.) Habit Four: Think Win-Win; Habit Five: Seek First to Understand, Then Be Understood; Habit Six: Synergize; Habit Seven: Sharpen the Saw. (The last 4 habits had to do with work/challenges in working with/managing others.) At the time of learning this material, and having the opportunity to train with Stephen Covey and others from his organization, I knew I was learning some things that were familiar, some that were timeless, and many things that would continue to serve my ongoing personal and professional development.
Within this work, there are several practical and usable tools, ways of thinking/acting. One such tool is the ‘Emotional Bank Account,’ or EBA. In 7 habit language it is a way of examining ways of being/practicing in our daily lives using the model of a bank account, including deposits and withdrawals. Deposits might include ‘seeking first to understand,’ in contrast to a withdrawal practice where one might unconsciously seek to be the first one to be understood in a disagreement. Deposits: keeping promises, kindnesses being courteous, clarifying expectations, being loyal to an absent party, offering apologies, or being open to feedback. Conversely, withdrawals would be along the lines of breaking promises, un-kindnesses, violating expectations, being disloyal, duplicitous, leading with pride, conceit, arrogance, or rejecting feedback.
I have used this tool personally as I examine my own self-management, deepening awareness of the movement of reactivity to choice (a daily and even moment to moment challenge!) I reset with actions to add to my own system of deposits, carefully managing reactivity that really springs from withdrawals. When I take my eye off the choices that are available, this is often a result of missing some strategies of self-care.
In work with couples, this has been an invaluable tool. When engaging in conversation, each member of the couple can state individual understandings of deposits and withdrawals. Facilitated conversation (seeking first to understand, then be understood) often follows. Sometimes an agreement is made to focus on one area, one concrete place of action that each can give attention to in order to enable the shift from what they don’t want to what they do want–or withdrawals to deposits.
While all this may sound easy or simple, the execution, consistent attention to, or commitment to a new way of being is the daily, lived challenge. This is often the work of therapy: to look at where actions or practices are missing the mark, and having conversations to repair or build something new. I often cite Recovery wisdom of, ‘how does one eat an elephant?’ ‘One piece/chunk at a time.’ Individual shifts, modifications–sprinkled with tons of patience and good humor–begin the sacred and meaningful work, step by step, piece by piece, of ‘creating that which is new.’