Q: My partner and I argue frequently, sometimes bitterly. I think some arguing is normal, right? Yet I do worry that it’s become a problem. When is the right time to start couples counseling?

A: Thank you for this question! It is such a common one for many couples who are trying to decide what is normal and what is a serious warning sign. The first thing I would say is that couples therapy does not have to be a last resort. It can greatly ease difficulties in relationships, even longstanding ones. And it is a resource that many people avail themselves of proactively—to nurture generally healthy bonds.

You are correct, of course, that some amount of conflict in a couple’s relationship is to be expected and even healthy. For it to be submerged or circumvented routinely would be troubling in itself. Couples can engage in conflict in constructive and beneficial ways. Or quite the opposite. When argument becomes the norm, especially when it feels hurtful or even abusive, an outside resource such as therapy can be critical.

For couples who identify their fighting as a problem, the right time to start is, well, before it’s too late. That sounds glib, and it is, but it is also completely true. Therapy generally proves useful in identifying deeply ingrained patterns that have a way of taking over a couple’s interactions. Each partner can benefit from seeing the patterns clearly on their many levels: behavioral, perceptual, and emotional. With help from the therapist, partners can explore their contributions to these patterns and can support one another in their growth and change.

So why do people resist therapy, given the potential benefits? The reasons are many and are understandable. As already mentioned, expense is often one factor. For another thing, therapy can be intimidating. It opens a couple’s private life to a stranger, which can feel unwelcome or even shameful. Many people find that vulnerability even more distasteful than the strains and discontent of the ongoing relationship.

In addition, there is simply the complexity of a relationship, especially one that has evolved, however unhealthily, over many years and changes and cycles of up and down. Sometimes the memories of better times early in the relationship create a false sense of hope that a healthy state will surely somehow return on its own. If only circumstances—infants or adolescents in the household, or bouts of illness—would change, then the relief would allow the relationship to recover.

In fairness, this is not without validity. Circumstances can be a big factor in couples’ difficulties, and their skills and capacities for resolving the distress in their relationships can prove adequate for the necessary healing and resolution. Or they can be adequate in some circumstances but not in others.

So the question of seeking counseling comes back to a couple’s own discernment. If a couple has sufficient resources and trust in the process, they might seek counseling to nurture an already secure relationship. If circumstances are distressing, it might be helpful to seek guidance simply to deal with the circumstances more effectively. If the patterns of dysfunction are hurtful, it is almost always better to seek help now if possible rather than allow the hurts to accumulate and compound.

The right time for couples counseling can be whenever there is a clear sense of opportunity or urgency. Couples do quarrel, some seasons of “coupledom” are inherently more challenging than others, and people and relationships do change, but couples are wise to assess their relationship health regularly and honestly—and even that assessment can be a short-term goal to pursue with a therapist.

-Eric Stroo, MA, LMHC

Eric Stroo is a therapist at Samaritan Center. He currently works with individuals and couples.

 

Welcome to the Therapist’s Corner, a place where people can ask questions about struggles, relationships, or the rest of life, and therapists at Samaritan Center can give their quick and thoughtful answers. We hope you enjoy these responses and find them helpful. If you have a question that could benefit from the thoughts or advice of a trained mental health professional, send it our way at contact@samaritanps.org to have it answered.