When I lived and worked in one of Arizona’s retirement cities and was doing group therapy with older adults, one question that came up in group discussions again and again was: “How can I have a better relationship with my grown children and grandchildren?”
Some people just wanted to know how to get their grandchildren to say “thank you” for birthday gifts. Others were struggling with how to say “no” to their adult children who “were still on the payroll,” expecting money that their parents were not in a position to give. Others were in conflict with adult children who objected to their entering into a second marriage. Others were estranged from their adult children. All of them were trapped in old, painful family patterns.
Now, back in Seattle where I work with adults of all ages, the question remains a compelling one. Some of what I learned in my Arizona experience and in my own family relationships is shared in these “10 Tips for Parenting Your Grown Children.”
- Continue to have a life. Keeping your own interests and activities alive is healthy for you and makes you more interesting to others.
- Be true to yourself. Pay attention to your feelings, your intuition and your beliefs, using this information to help you make good decisions.
- Choose when to talk and when to listen. Improve your sense of timing. Recognize that you can do only your half of the relationship.
- Recall your own relationship with your parents and in-laws. Let yourself be guided by what you learned about what worked and what didn’t.
- Expect everyone to treat you with respect. All the time. Be respectful of everyone else. All the time.
- Understand that you need not address everything. Some things that need to be said may not need to be said by you.
- Be willing to do nothing when that appears to be the best option. Often when nothing seems to be happening, something quite important is.
- Accept that you are, forever, the parent. At some level, your children are reassured by your willingness to hold on to that role. Gently.
- Take responsibility for managing your own feelings. When you’re angry, fearful or despairing, find ways to work through it.
- Keep putting kindness and understanding into your relationships. Accept realities, set reasonable limits and choose how you want to behave.