Couples who are coming into counseling to deal with anger in their relationship often wonder:\u00a0 Is this really going to help?\u00a0\u00a0 Will the therapist be able to help my partner see things differently?\u00a0 Will this be worth the time and effort?<\/p>\n
To me, it seems to be a question of hope.\u00a0 Is there hope?\u00a0 Yes, there is.\u00a0 Hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:5) but the answers to our questions might be disappointing. We can\u2019t change our loved ones and they can\u2019t change us. The hope lies in learning that we can help each other change by changing ourselves.<\/p>\n
For example, asking ourselves questions like this: What was I doing right before the temper flare?\u00a0 Was I pushing buttons?\u00a0 Was I criticizing or yelling?\u00a0 Was I stonewalling?\u00a0\u00a0 Realizing that tempers are not lost in a \u201cvacuum,\u201d we look for the extenuating circumstances.<\/p>\n
When we start to look at the big picture and at our part in the big picture, we begin to understand what we can do to help our loved one solve what we\u2019ve been thinking of as \u201ctheir\u201d problem.\u00a0 It begins to become an \u201cour\u201d problem.<\/p>\n
Taking this position of helping each other change is one sure way to make therapy worth the time and effort. If we can recognize the triggers that lead to our partner\u2019s losing their temper, we can learn ways of coping that will be more effective.\u00a0 An equally important piece of the puzzle is learning their buttons, choosing not to push them, and letting the other person walk away when they need to.\u00a0 When we learn more effective ways of communicating, we\u2019ll be more successful\u00a0 when we sit down and try to solve a problem.<\/p>\n
If we think that we\u2019re just an innocent bystander and the conflict is all about our partner, we might want to spend some time asking God to show us our blind spots. Or we could even ask our partner what they think we contribute to their temper flare ups. When we are able to control our anxiety and consider another person\u2019s point of view, we can learn something\u00a0 important about our relationship journey.\u00a0 Controlling our anxiety and agreeing to hear constructive criticism isn\u2019t easy but it can be done, especially when our partner is willing to offer their thoughts in a kind and gentle way.<\/p>\n
John Gottman, in his work at the University of Washington, says that if you can allow your partner to influence you and if your partner can gently share their opinions, you\u2019re well on your way to a healthy relationship. And a healthy relationship can tackle many mountains, including the anger mountain–when you\u2019re doing it together.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Couples who are coming into counseling to deal with anger in their relationship often wonder:\u00a0 Is this really going to help?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[85,89,88],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1065","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-learning-about-therapy","category-skills-tools","category-spirituality"],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p9HFgk-hb","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/samaritanps.org\/sandbox-6-30-2018\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1065","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/samaritanps.org\/sandbox-6-30-2018\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/samaritanps.org\/sandbox-6-30-2018\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/samaritanps.org\/sandbox-6-30-2018\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/samaritanps.org\/sandbox-6-30-2018\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1065"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/samaritanps.org\/sandbox-6-30-2018\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1065\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1066,"href":"https:\/\/samaritanps.org\/sandbox-6-30-2018\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1065\/revisions\/1066"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/samaritanps.org\/sandbox-6-30-2018\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1065"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/samaritanps.org\/sandbox-6-30-2018\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1065"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/samaritanps.org\/sandbox-6-30-2018\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1065"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}